Know What You Want. Stop Reacting to Everything!

I am amazed at how stressed everyone seems to be these days. People are tired, pressured, stretched and anxious. Many are carrying more than they realise. They are reacting to life, other people, problems, disappointments, criticism, pressure and whatever happens next. Just think about the dramatic increase in the number and intensity of road rage incidents in the recent past and you’ll see how much people are reacting to life.

Life comes at people and they simply respond in the moment, usually out of frustration, anger and purposelessness. Often they overreact because they are over-stressed. Sometimes they shut down or make decisions they later regret. At other times, they say yes to things they should have said no to. Sometimes they waste energy on issues that really are unimportant. Sometimes they are so busy responding to everything around them that they forget where they are actually going.

The calmest people I know are not necessarily the people with the easiest lives. They are not necessarily the one with no pressure, problems, disappointments and opposition. The calmest people are often those who know what they want and where they are going.

People who know what they want have taken the time to answer the hard questions and chart a course. They stick to that course day in, day out. They know the journey they are on. Having set their course, they know what matters. They know what they are aiming for and the kind of person they want to be. They have the life they want to build clearly in their sights They are keenly aware of impact they want to have in and around others.

Knowing what you want is not a magic wand to an easy, stress-free life with no setbacks. It simply means that life’s events do not get to decide your direction or reaction. There is a huge difference between responding wisely and reacting emotionally.

Reacting is often immediate and mentally unprocessed. Scientifically, the amygdala kicks in before rational thought can happen and pushes us towards fight, flight, flop or freeze reactions. The amygdala kicks in because of pressure, fear, frustration, hurt, anger or confusion. Something happens and we fire back without thinking. Someone says something and we take the bait. A problem appears and we panic. An opportunity comes along and we grab it without thinking. We are criticised and we immediately defend ourselves or strike back with a verbal karate chop. We encounter a difficulty and assume everything is falling apart. Put bluntly, reacting allows external events to control your life.

Without direction, every issue is weighted by the urgency and demands of others. They set the agenda for you and set your level of urgency and stress. Ultimately, every issue feels urgent because you take on the other person’s urgency. Every opinion feels weighty. Each setback feels devastating. Each opportunity feels necessary. Your entire day, and possibly your entire life, becomes one reaction after another. You end up wishing silently that somehow the pieces will fall into place. Here’s the hard-hitting truth. They rarely do.

On the flip side, knowing what you want puts you in charge. When you know what you want, you gain a grid through which you can assess life’s events. You can pause, consider and ask better questions. Does this move me closer to where I want to go? Does this fit the person I want to become? Is this important or merely urgent? Is this worth my emotional energy? Is this something I need to act on or something I need to leave alone? Is this an opportunity or a distraction? By slowing down, you stall the fight, flight, freeze or flop response and you slow down your impulses. You give yourself time to think to gain more clarity.

Such clarity changes everything. It helps you prioritise what is important and necessary. It gives you a grid by which to recognise what can be left alone. You begin to realise that not everything needs your attention. You don’t have to adopt every problem. You begin to comprehend that not every comment deserves a response. Most importantly, you are freed from saying yes to every invitation and from letting a conflict ruin your entire day.

A purposeful life is not built by accident. A healthy marriage does not just happen. A meaningful business does not just pop up. A strong spiritual life does not magically appear. A life of impact is not built by simply reacting to whatever happens. You need to know what you want. This is not a vague or non-descript idea that holds a dreamy position in your psyche. You need to be honest enough to ask the deeper questions.

What do I really want?What kind of marriage do I want to build?What kind of person do I want to become?What kind of parent, leader, friend, worker or Christian do I want to be?What keeps pulling me off course?What am I reacting to far too often?What do I need to stop giving power to?What would it look like to make decisions from direction rather than pressure?

These are not easy questions. They take time and brutal introspection to face honestly. In fact, many people avoid them. It is easier to stay busy. Blaming circumstance or others is far easier. Whining that life is too hard, too complex, too stressful or too unpredictable is an easy strategy that pushes the blame somewhere else. It is easier to keep reacting and then wondering why nothing really changes.

Change begins when we stop long enough to think deeply and honestly about what we want. Such knowledge gives you a destination. Once you have a destination, you can begin to build a pathway. You can make decisions with greater confidence and say no without guilt. You can say yes with intention. You can stop wasting energy on things that do not deserve your focus, even the things you once thought were super-important. You can stop being pushed around by every mood, crisis, comment and demand. Essentially, you become less reactive because you are more directed.

This is one of the great values of coaching. A good coach helps you slow down, think clearly and ask the hard questions you may not be ready or courageous enough to ask yourself. Coaching helps you move from confusion to clarity, from reaction to intention, from vague wishes to practical steps. It helps you name what you want and then work out what needs to happen next.

Many people do not need more activity or items on their To-Do list. They already plenty on it already. They need clarity and space to think. They need someone who will listen well, ask meaningful and challenging questions and help them sort through the noise. They need someone who can help them figure out what they really want, why they want it and what is getting in the way.

When you know what you want, life does not become perfect. Problems still come. People still disappoint. Pressure still builds. Unexpected events still happen. Demands still knock on your door. But you are no longer at the mercy of every moment. You have a course. You have a direction. You have a way to assess what matters and what does not.

So, stop reacting to everything. Slow down. Think deeply. Clear your head. Figure out what you want. Then start making decisions that lead you closer to your intended destination.

If you need help working all of this out, contact Coach Esa. I can help you figure out what you really want and begin building a pathway toward it.