Better Than Makeup sex

Every couple argues. Some arguments end with passionate make-up sex. Others end with two wounded souls retreating to their neutral corners to stew, sulk, and silently build a case for the next round. Each of these responses may feel natural. But none of them resolves the deeper issue.

That is why what happens after the argument matters so much.

Make-up sex may restore closeness for a moment, though it often leaves the underlying problem untouched. Retreating to your corner may give you space to cool down. That space, though, can easily become a mental courtroom where your spouse is found guilty again and again. The result is predictable. The same issues return. The same arguments flare up.  Some couples do this for years, others for decades.

There is a better way.

When the heat of the argument has settled, take time to reflect. Not on your spouse but on yourself! Many people say, “I do reflect.” But too often that reflection sounds like this: What is wrong with them? Why do they always do this? Why can’t they change? That is not reflection. That’s cowardly quiet accusation.

Real reflection asks harder questions about oneself. What did I say or do that inflamed the situation?What tone did I use?What could I have said or done differently? What could a good result have looked like? What can I change in my approach so that I encourage cooperation, collaboration, and solutions rather than conflict?

These are not easy questions. They require humility and brutal honesty. They require the willingness to admit that being right is not the highest good in marriage. Every time I prove my spouse wrong, I take another step towards losing the marriage.

In the middle of an argument, most of us want to prove our point and defend ourselves. In that moment, it can feel satisfying to land the killer line, expose the weakness in the other person’s argument, and convince them of just how wrong they are. But in doing this, you have LOST! You have damaged the very relationship you are meant to protect.

Strong marriages are not built by winning arguments. They are built by learning from them. Self-reflection turns conflict into growth because it focuses on the only person I can really change – ME! It helps the marriage become safer, wiser, and more loving because I am becoming safer, wiser and move loving. That is how patterns change. That is how marriages grow stronger.